Dear Cats of Blog Readers,
Recent events here at my house, combined with a definite lack of sunshine for napping, have prompted me to take matters into my own paws and offer you, my feline brothers and sisters, my assistance before your home too, is invaded. What is this threat of which I speak? His name is Finn. Now normally a Finn would be a good thing. There are quite a few tasty things out there with fins. This, my friends is not tasty. This is not even edible.
A dog, you ask? No, dogs have their place in the world. I have had a dog before. Most dogs of 60 pounds or more are quite delightful to be around (never much cared for the smaller ones, although some of you might enjoy one at your own home). What I'm dealing with here and what I have stayed awake to warn you about is something so messy, so wiggly, so noisy and so rude that it makes me want to bathe every time I think about it. Its a...PUPPY! Now the Mommy person claims that he will get better, he will learn his manners, he will someday grow into a big dog, but this is the same person who said going on a diet wouldn't be too bad. She lies, people!
He tries to get way too close to me, sometimes he even tries to touch me! Doesn't he realize that I am The Cat? I am to be worshipped, preferably from afar by those who can't even keep their ears right side out. He licks me, as if I were a piece of food. You have no idea how long it took me to get clean after that one - I kept bathing, but I still felt dirty.
Now, dear kitty readers, this is the part you want to pay attention to - there are more of these out there! If its already too late for you, and you have one of these too, I have compiled a few ways to deal with having one of these things around. First of all, they seem to come with a "crate" which is a large box like thing. (Note to crate designers: Airholes aren't really necessary, are they?) While they are in the crate you can have a lot of fun. Sit down in front of the crate with your back to it and take a bath. Stick one leg up in the air and really get clean. Ignore the whimpering, whooping and hollering that will be coming from the creature. As long as your humans close the door properly, you're in good shape. If the Puppy is asleep, try circling the crate and meowing at the top of your lungs. This might work better for those of us who have a good, strong "meow" rather than a delicate "mew," but keep at it.
Now sometimes, in their ignorance, the humans (AKA Those That Work The Can Opener) will let the Puppy out of the crate. This is where your jumping ability can come in handy. It also helps to have a good idea of how far your particular Canine Nemesis can stretch (remember - they grow). Jump just barely out of reach and then carefully taunt it with your tail. Last night I had the most delightful time smacking the Finn thing on the nose with my tail while I sat on the bed and ignored him. He was making all kinds of barks and yips trying to get to me, but his inferior jumping skills just weren't up to it. Make sure you keep your tail moving and be careful - I don't want to hear about cats who go missing the ends of their tails because they got over confident.
Good luck to all of you cats out there. I know what these monsters can do to a peaceful household, but with a little effort on your part, you can make it as miserable as it has made you. And if all else fails, remember, when it rains, they have to go outside - you have a nice, dry litter box. Winter is coming - BWAH HA HA!