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Thursday, September 14, 2006

A Message From Ramius

Dear Cats of Blog Readers,

Recent events here at my house, combined with a definite lack of sunshine for napping, have prompted me to take matters into my own paws and offer you, my feline brothers and sisters, my assistance before your home too, is invaded. What is this threat of which I speak? His name is Finn. Now normally a Finn would be a good thing. There are quite a few tasty things out there with fins. This, my friends is not tasty. This is not even edible.

A dog, you ask? No, dogs have their place in the world. I have had a dog before. Most dogs of 60 pounds or more are quite delightful to be around (never much cared for the smaller ones, although some of you might enjoy one at your own home). What I'm dealing with here and what I have stayed awake to warn you about is something so messy, so wiggly, so noisy and so rude that it makes me want to bathe every time I think about it. Its a...PUPPY! Now the Mommy person claims that he will get better, he will learn his manners, he will someday grow into a big dog, but this is the same person who said going on a diet wouldn't be too bad. She lies, people!

He tries to get way too close to me, sometimes he even tries to touch me! Doesn't he realize that I am The Cat? I am to be worshipped, preferably from afar by those who can't even keep their ears right side out. He licks me, as if I were a piece of food. You have no idea how long it took me to get clean after that one - I kept bathing, but I still felt dirty.

Now, dear kitty readers, this is the part you want to pay attention to - there are more of these out there! If its already too late for you, and you have one of these too, I have compiled a few ways to deal with having one of these things around. First of all, they seem to come with a "crate" which is a large box like thing. (Note to crate designers: Airholes aren't really necessary, are they?) While they are in the crate you can have a lot of fun. Sit down in front of the crate with your back to it and take a bath. Stick one leg up in the air and really get clean. Ignore the whimpering, whooping and hollering that will be coming from the creature. As long as your humans close the door properly, you're in good shape. If the Puppy is asleep, try circling the crate and meowing at the top of your lungs. This might work better for those of us who have a good, strong "meow" rather than a delicate "mew," but keep at it.

Now sometimes, in their ignorance, the humans (AKA Those That Work The Can Opener) will let the Puppy out of the crate. This is where your jumping ability can come in handy. It also helps to have a good idea of how far your particular Canine Nemesis can stretch (remember - they grow). Jump just barely out of reach and then carefully taunt it with your tail. Last night I had the most delightful time smacking the Finn thing on the nose with my tail while I sat on the bed and ignored him. He was making all kinds of barks and yips trying to get to me, but his inferior jumping skills just weren't up to it. Make sure you keep your tail moving and be careful - I don't want to hear about cats who go missing the ends of their tails because they got over confident.

Good luck to all of you cats out there. I know what these monsters can do to a peaceful household, but with a little effort on your part, you can make it as miserable as it has made you. And if all else fails, remember, when it rains, they have to go outside - you have a nice, dry litter box. Winter is coming - BWAH HA HA!


Blogger Michelle said...

Thanks for the tips Ramius. My cat will apprechiate them. Though he has a tip of his own on Goldens. Bite them on the back of the leg when you've heard enough of their whining.. quiets them up real fast! Mackenzie wasnt' impressed.
: )

8:54 AM  
Blogger Melly said...

LOL! Poor Raimus--poor Finn. Melanie, you're so clever. I love this post!

9:26 AM  
Blogger Pearls Mother said...

Thanks for the advice Ramius.
We hope we never get one of those puppy things,
but, it's good to be warned what to expect.
Good luck with your reign of terror.
Purrs of solidarity from your sisters in Australia.
Pearl Phyllis and Miss Puss.

9:44 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

Ramius is so "cat". I have two that feel the same way. Finn is too adorable, but I can say that because you are the one in the middleoftrainingwhichwilllasttwoyears. Mine is 8. Thank God(but he is so so cute!).

10:43 AM  
Blogger Cindy said...

I meant Finn is so so cute. Mine is 8. More curmudgeonly than cute now.

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Ramius, I have heard about you, but we haven't been introduced yet. I live in Colorado and am in charge of a house here. I am having trouble with Barclay who lives here and was here when I arrived. Most of the time he is OK, but recently he thinks my MOM person is available for him to love too. This morning I stood on the edge of the bed trying to prevent his jumping up to cuddle my Mom. He lured me toward the foot of the bed and then jumped up anyway!! Do you have suggestions to deal with my problem? You seem to be experienced with problem canines. Thank you for your attention.
Sincerely, Cinnamon Cocoa

1:20 PM  
Blogger SuzannaBanana said...

Hang in there, Ramius. I feel your plight, brother. -- Buddy the Cat

He really does look disgusted in that picture. Handsome, but disgusted. :-)

1:33 PM  
Blogger gwtreece said...

OMG, This is great and so funny.

1:38 PM  
Anonymous Rebekah said...

Oh what a fun post. Your pup Finn is adorable. Our Abner fell in love with ice cubes about that age too, he still loves them 3 years later, and likes to plya ice soccer all over the kitchen floor with them.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Shez75 said...

Ramius, I hear ya! But, for some reason the pug and dachshund that live here in this house are't bad. As a matter of fact, the Pug and I are the best of buds. We take our walks together, eat together, I even climb right under her when she walks by and she just touches my nose with hers. Hang in there buddy, it'll get better when that Finn Fellow grows up a little and realizes you are THE cat (and don't be afraid to show a little claw, that always gets them to sit up and take notice).
Your Friend in Georgia,
Squirt (owner of Sheri in GA)

6:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Go Ramius, together cats can beat their canine foes! We hated it when the visiting dog tried to get close. Then to add insult to injury he drank our water and left his icky saliva in it.

Mia and Tiger

7:44 PM  
Blogger Abigail 1870 pearl said...

Laughter is the best medicine.

Thank you so much for sharing....I think I shall get a cat..... My beloved dogs could use a cat to spice up their mudane lives:D

10:55 PM  
Blogger Teri S. said...

Thanks for making me laugh this morning. Poor Ramius; it sounds like he's not having a lot of fun with Finn.

6:42 AM  
Blogger Lorette said...

Ramius looks truly pissed in that picture. My cats printed this one out, just in case someone around here gets a bright idea to get another pup.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Mr Aceman has read Ramius' post...and understands, His Mommy keeps talking about...a kitten!

So funny Melanie...thanks!

10:25 AM  
Blogger yarnmaniac said...

We feel your pain. Our meowmy hasn't gotten a puppy yet, but we are prepared if she ever does. We rule here.

Simon and Zing

8:50 PM  
Blogger Kristen said...

Ramius's picture pretty much sums it all up.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Kessa said...

Hehe.. This is so cute. =) Godspeed on the MSii!!

7:22 PM  
Blogger Ellen said...

What a great post!

8:44 PM  

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