How To Train Your Humans

 

The hardest part of any house kitty's life is training their humans.  Humans can be willful and stubborn and you must take a firm paw with them to keep them in line.  Once they accept that you are their superior, life becomes much easier for everyone.  My Mommy person thinks I should stay off of the kitchen counters and the kitchen table.  This is just wrong.  It's my counter, my table, and my kitchen.  When she tells me to stay down (she seems to know when I'm thinking about jumping up), I will purposely jump up and just walk across and jump down before she can grab me.  This way I am not bowing to her ridiculous human commands and by doing this repeatedly, I wear her down and she just gives up.  A lot of human training involves breaking their spirit  - wear them down enough and they just don't care that you are on the counters, or stealing their pens, or attacking the freshly folded laundry.

I'm currently working on training my Daddy person but he's not being as cooperative as he should be.  He and the Mommy share a "closet."  It's mine too, but I allow them to put their clothes and shoes in it. The Mommy's half is very neat, everything is arranged by color and type of clothing, hanging and folded properly and there are no hiding places - very boring.  The Daddy's half is much more exciting.  There are all sorts of places to hide and sneak around and jump out at the humans when they are in there picking out something to wear.  But then the Daddy got tired of trying to find me to get me out of the closet (they are under the impression that I can't be left in the closet alone, that I am not trustworthy - hah!)  Do you know what the Daddy did?  He cleaned out some of the best hiding places on his side of the closet!  Now many kitties would despair of ever training a human who does things like this, but not me!  I brought the Logan into the closet.  He's big, strong, and has a waggy tail that knocks things over.  Also, I've taught the Logan to walk off with the bathmat while the Mommy or Daddy are in the shower - try getting out of the shower without that!

So, just to review, you must wear down your humans until they just give up and go along with your plan, or you resort to hiring outside help and making alliances with the dog.  Dogs are easier to train than humans so you can easily mold them into the henchmen they were bred to become.  Good luck with your own humans.